


Let Me Down Gently

by serenehowell



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Depression, M/M, Smut, Swearing, Unrequited Love, basically if you're reading one of my fics there will be swearing, death mention, small amount of violence, sorta idk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-23
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-18 16:31:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7322617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenehowell/pseuds/serenehowell
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Trying to ignore his feelings for his best friend was always difficult for Dan and was only made worse by having to face reality of moving on. The prospect of losing Phil almost becomes too much and could jeopardise any chance of their friendship surviving.</p><p>Title from Water Under The Bridge by Adele</p>
            </blockquote>





	Let Me Down Gently

**Author's Note:**

> Read on tumblr ([x](http://serenehowell.tumblr.com/post/147859021075/let-me-down-gently))

Nostalgia, the desire to return to a once happy place. The word is often associated with treasured memories from childhood or when times were better. For Dan, that concept hit home too hard, it meant too much to him. Far too often he felt himself yearning for things he simply could not have, mainly Phil Lester.

The polaroid picture in his hand weighed much more than it should have, it was hardly surprising considering the history it held inside of it. Even after all the years and the light damage done to the photo, the image of the two men with bright smiles on their faces stayed as clear as ever. Despite all the pain it brought to Dan whenever he looked at it, he couldn't help but still feel some certain other emotions stir up inside him. 

Comfort.

Anguish.

 _Regret_.

The feeling of regret was far too familiar for him. It only ever seemed to increase over the years, not once softening its blows. Dan always thinks about how he should be over it by now, but it's hard to forget a person like Phil. 

~

As the Sun set over the South of England, Dan was yet again sat in his office chair and yet again reflecting on his life. He did this too often, it seems that old habits don’t die so easily. 

Except, the letter laying on the wooden desk made matters worse. After re-reading it countless times hoping he was mistaken, Dan had finally put it down to let the words sink in. It had confirmed the inevitable, but it hadn’t stopped the tears that were now rolling down his cheek. 

He was brought out of his thoughts by the sounds of a young boy stumbling into the room, an infectious grin plastered onto his face. The cheery expression soon fell once the boy saw the sadness on his father’s face. He slowly wondered up to Dan and carefully climbed up onto his lap, with a helping hand.

“Daddy? Are you sad again?” The boy asked with a slight pout, wiping away the tears. He knew this routine all too well.

“Well I was, but I’m better now you’re here Eddie!” Dan tried to force enthusiasm for his son, but he doesn’t think the four year old buys it anymore. 

“You’re not Daddy…” Eddie muttered as he trailed his azure eyes away from Dan, knowing the truth. “I know you’re still sad, you’re always sad.”

Sad. 

Sad was the word that Dan had used to describe how he feels every moment of his life, it was easier than having to explain depression to his child.

But he hadn’t always been ‘sad’, he could still remember some of the best days of his life, but they were often overshadowed by the darker memories.

“Have I ever told you about my old friend Phil?”

Eddie thought for a moment to see if he could recognise the name before shaking his head, the unruly curls on his head bouncing along with the motion.

“Ah! Well you see, Phil was my best friend, and he made Daddy happy, very happy.” Dan couldn’t help but smile fondly at the mention of Phil, almost forgetting how bitterly it all ended.

“So where is Phil now?” Eddie curiously asked.

“Well, that part is…” Dan paused for a moment, wondering how he should tackle the conversation, “Complicated.”

“Oh…”

\----------

Clubs had never really been Dan’s scene and wished that he hadn’t been forced there in the first place.

As soon as him and Phil had returned from the US tour, some of their friends back in London _insisted_ that they meet up for drinks to celebrate. Ever the crowdpleaser, Phil accepted the offer without thought, meaning that Dan had to tag along too, much to his dismay.

Now, Dan was stuck at the bar with an overly sweet, and expensive, cocktail in his hand and no one to talk to. Most of the group of friends he was with had spilt up, with many taking to the dance floor, something Dan was _not_ interested in doing.

Taking a cautious sip of his drink, Dan scanned his eyes over the crowded club to see if he could locate any of said friends that had abandoned him. None of them were visible in the mass of bodies grinding against each other to the pounding music. Sighing, Dan resigned himself to sitting at the bar by himself all night until he could leave.

After 20 minutes of scrolling through tumblr, _yes he was on his phone in a nightclub_ , he caught a glimpse of Phil in the crowds.

“That shouldn't have been too hard, he's taller then most people here.” Dan mumbled to himself, the music too loud for anyone to actually hear.

He slid off his vaguely uncomfortable bar stool and started to head over to the corner of the club where his best friend was. He was about a metre away when he noticed the rather attractive man that was currently passionately making out with Phil. 

Out of the corner of his eye, Phil caught sight of Dan, who was unsure of how he should react. Phil quickly pulled away, his cheeks flushed red.

“Er…Dan, hi…I was just…” Phil nervously ran a hand through his hair, completely embarrassed by the whole situation, his eyes blown wide with shock.

“No, no it's fine!” Dan tried to act casual about what had just happened, despite the rising awkwardness. His shirt collar started to feel a bit too tight around his throat and the material stuck to his body with sweat. He tried too hard to ignore the way his heart was currently bursting out of his chest. “I think I’m just gonna get a taxi…”

“Oh, ok…well see you…” Dan didn't hear the rest of what Phil wanted to say, he had already started to make his way to the exit so that Phil couldn't see the tears forming in his eyes.

The midnight breeze allowed Dan to cool down slightly once he had left the club, but the hot tears rolling down his face warmed him up again. Why was he being so stupid? It was completely normal for Phil to be with other people, expected in fact. But it still hit hard, it still hurt. Dan thought that his feelings would have died down over the past seven years, but that evidently didn't happen. Something inside of him just wouldn't let him go, accept that they could never be.

He hailed the first taxi that drove down the street, wanting to get away from the club as quickly as possible. The ride home gave him time to reflect on what had just happened. Of course, it wasn't the first time he had seen Phil kissing somebody else. But for some reason, this one was too painful.

Dan concluded that it must have been something to do with the tour. For months they had been together 24/7, too wrapped up in the world of Dan and Phil, not realising that it was not in fact real life. The reality that things won't stay like that forever only just kicked in and to be honest, that terrified Dan. 

 

~

The warmth of his thick duvet was welcoming to Dan after his long night. However, sleep was yet to come to him as he laid wide awake, staring at the ceiling. The too bright display screen of his phone showed that it had just gone 2am, yet there was still no sign of Phil. Dan tried not to get himself too worried, _Phil was a 29 year old adult for crying out loud._ Yet, he still couldn't help being concerned for his safety.

Fortunately, Dan soon heard the rattle of keys in the lock, indicating that Phil was home. He had climbed out of bed and walked over to his bedroom door to greet Phil when he heard muffled whispers and giggles.

“Shhhh, my roommate…is sleeping,” Phil slurred, obviously wasted. Another male voice chuckled softly, meaning that he had obviously brought someone home.

“Well, we’d better be quiet then.” The man replied in an attempted seductive tone, obviously in the same intoxicated state as Phil.

Dan poked his head out of the door to see two drunk figures stumbling into Phil’s bedroom and slamming the door behind them. He sighed, dragging his body back into bed. As the moans through the wall grew louder, Dan pulled a pillow over his head to try and block out the noise. Well, it was clear he wouldn't be getting much sleep that night.

~

 

A dull pounding in his head woke Dan the next morning and he let out a groan when the harsh sunlight hit his eyes. He wearily stretched his arms out, the effects of the alcohol he drunk last night becoming apparent. He hadn't had enough to have a full blown hangover, but he was suffering still and desperately needed to find some coffee and painkillers.

Whilst trying to stretch the rest of his body out, Dan teetered dangerously close to the edge of his bed. He lost his balance and landed on the floor in a mass of limbs and duvet, swearing under his breath. After a good few minutes of trying to find any sort of motivation to move, he picked himself up and headed straight to the kitchen.

As soon as he reached the kitchen, he grumbled a greeting to the person who he assumed to be Phil making a cup of coffee. Still half asleep and dazed from his hangover, it took him a moment to release that it was not in fact Phil standing before him.

"Oh hey," The man turned to face Dan, giving him a Hollywood worthy smile. It didn't take Dan long to recognise the man as the same guy who got rather heated with Phil in the club and who was now wearing one of his t-shirts. Dan swore that it used to be his. “You must be Darren…”

“It’s Dan, actually,” Dan snapped, slightly too harshly. He really wasn't in the mood to deal with Phil’s hookups. In the morning light, he could get a better look at the man. He had caramel brown hair, perfectly shaped into a quiff and in stark contrast to Dan’s mess of curls. His piercing green eyes further enhanced his male model appearance which really did not help with Dan’s self-esteem. He couldn't help but wonder how Phil got so lucky.

“Right, sorry…well I’m Robin,” He extended a hand out to Dan, flashing that enchanting smile again. “Phil’s just in the shower.”

Dan hesitantly shook the outstretched hand, not wanting to seem like a complete dick. There was a few minutes of awkward small talk while Dan made his cup of coffee and in that time, he couldn't help notice that Robin was literally charm personified, the type of man you would take to meet your parents. 

_It was obvious why Phil went for him,_ Dan couldn't help but bitterly think to himself. 

It wasn't until Dan was settled in the lounge, slumped into his browsing position, that Phil emerged from the shower. Of course he had the _audacity_ to walk around in just a towel, much to Dan’s frustration.

Too engrossed in some silly Youtube video, Dan wasn't aware of the half-naked Phil standing before him.

“Hey, Dan…”

“Jesus, Christ Phil!” Dan nearly threw his laptop in the air out of shock. “Some warning would be nice!” 

Phil sheepishly rubbed the back of his head, ruffling up his wonderfully messy post shower hair. “Sorry, Dan! I was just wondering if you were alright, you left last night in a bit of a rush and you didn't look great…”

“What? Yeah, I erm…wasn't feeling too well…” Dan spewed out, trying to act causal. “I was just er, feeling a bit light headed, needed to get out.” Well, his last statement was hardly a lie.

“Oh, ok, as long as you're alright now!” Phil beamed, like the ray of sunshine he was. 

“Phil! I can't find my underwear!” Robin called out from outside of the room, immediately causing Phil’s cheeks to blush.

"Well, you'd better go help your _friend_ then,” Dan spat out, a slight bitterness in his voice.

“Oh right, see you later then,” Phil slowly backed out of the room, taken aback by the harshness of Dan’s tone.

As soon as Phil left, Dan slammed his laptop down and pulled a nearby cushion to his chest to comfort him. God, did he need it.

~

A few weeks later, Dan found himself wondering into Phil’s bedroom only to find him rummaging through his wardrobe.

“Hey, Phil…” Dan cautiously asked, not wanting to interrupt, “Are you still up for recording that gaming video tonight?”

Phil turned around to face Dan with an apologetic expression. “Oh, shit, the gaming video. I kinda have plans…”

“Plans?” Dan questioned, slightly bemused.

“Yeah, I’ve got a date actually…”

Dan’s eyes widened in shock, Phil hadn’t had a date for years. “Oh, who with?”

“Robin, we’re going out to that new Thai restaurant!” Phil pulled two shirts out of his wardrobe and held them up. “Which one do you think I should wear?”

Dan gulped, before pointing to the shirt in Phil’s right hand. “The blue one, because it er, _brings out your eyes._ ” Dan rushed out his last sentence, in the hopes Phil wouldn’t hear it as it wasn’t really something you would say to your platonic best friend.

“Well thanks anyways, and sorry about the video!”

“No, no, it’s fine!” Dan forced a smile. “We could just film it tomorrow… or something, it’s honestly fine, completely fine…”

Shutting the door behind him, Dan let out a sigh of relief as soon as he left the room. He was so screwed. The idea of Phil going out on a fucking date with someone else pained him, mostly because of the fact that it wasn't him but this stupid _Robin_ guy.

 _“I mean, who actually goes on a date with their fucking one night stand_ ,” Dan mumbled on the way to his own room, slamming the door behind him.

He collapsed straight onto his bed, landing face first and let out a strangled groan, the noise being muffled by the thick duvet. Dan just wanted to lay there for hours and forget about the whole situation, so that's what he did.

It had just gone past midnight when Phil returned from his date, a bright expression on his face as soon as he entered the apartment.

“Hey, Dan!” Phil poked his head into the lounge, knowing that Dan would still be awake at this time of night. 

"Hey, how did your date go?” Dan asked, more out of politeness then actual interest, drifting his eyes away from the budget horror film on the tv.

Phil settled himself down on the sofa next to Dan, the same look of excitement on his face of a kid in a sweet shop. “It was amazing Dan! We really clicked and had so much in common. We’re meeting again next week, oh and there was this really funny moment when he…”

“That’s great!” Dan interrupted Phil’s rambling, a fake smile plastered on his face. “I’m really, _really_ happy for you.” He could help but notice the slight wobble in his voice.

“I know it's early days, but there's really something special about him Dan, I can just feel it.” Phil's eyes lit up, still high off the euphoria of the date.

Dan’s breath hitched, feeling overwhelmed all of a sudden. “Well, I’m glad that you found someone like him, you deserve it.” The lies poured out of his mouth, trying to conceal his true feelings. “I’d better be off to bed then,” Dan made a quick exit to the door, his back turned to Phil. He really needed to stop making it a habit of crying over Phil.

~

_To Dan:_  
Dan  
DAN  
DAAAANN  
Read 14:23 

_To Phil:_  
yeeesss, what is it?  
Read 14:24 

_To Dan:_  
Omg Robin officially asked me to be his boyfriend!!!!!  
Read 14:25 

_To Dan:_  
Hello???  
Read 14:31 

_To Dan:_  
Are you getting these messages???  
Read 14:32 

_To Dan:_  
Dan are you ignoring me?  
Read 14:33 

~

Nine months had pasted from when Phil had announced the advancements in his and Robin’s relationship. Of course, the news had hit Dan hard, it would for anyone with an unrequited love. But, he found himself moving out of the state of denial and understanding the fact that Phil is moving on without him. However, this only caused Dan to become more distant as he dealt with the grief of losing Phil. When the pair did interact, it usually ended in shouting and arguments.

Dan lay on his bed, his door shut and headphones on to block out the world. He had been woken up earlier than usual by building works, leaving him in a worse mood than usual. This meant, that he wasn't too pleased when he heard a gentle knocking and soft voice at his door.

“Daaannn,” He ignored Phil’s calls from outside for a moment, hoping he would get the message and leave. “Where's the microphone? Daaannn!”

Realising his persistence, Dan begrudgingly took off his headphones to listen to Phil and not to Gerard Way. “What? I missed that!” Dan shouted back, not bothering to open the door and let Phil enter. It was an unspoken rule between them that when Dan had his door closed, he was not to be disturbed.

“Where's the microphone? You used it last for your video!” Phil repeated, getting slightly tired of having to talk through a door.

“Well I don't bloody know, can't you find it yourself!” Dan rolled his eyes, Phil really could be hopeless sometimes. 

Fed up with Dan's behaviour, Phil burst into his room, keeping a tight grip on the door knob. “For God’s sake, I was only asking a simple question, no need to be so snappy!”

“I wasn't being snappy! I answered your question because I don’t know where the fucking microphone is!” These kinds of fights happened all too often, mostly with petty origins. Dan was getting sick of them, getting sick of Phil. “Can you just leave now, I can't be bothered for this!”

“No,” Phil stood firm in the doorframe, obviously in no mind to move anytime soon. “Because this is happening more and more and it’s just getting ridiculous! We hardly speak anymore!”

“Well that’s because you’re hardly here…” Dan muttered under his breath.”

“Excuse me? What was that I didn’t quite hear!”

“I said, you’re hardly fucking here! How am I meant to talk to you if you’re off on your _sweet little outings_ with Robin!” The sarcasm riddled Dan’s voice.

Phil scoffed bitterly, folding his arms across his chest. “To me, it sounds like Danny over here is _jealous_ , jealous of the fact that he’s been single for seven years, the fact that _I’m_ moving in with my boyfriend!” Phil froze for a moment, he hadn't meant to tell Dan that yet.

“You're moving out?” Dan whispered, almost to himself.

There was a minute of silence for them both let the news sink in. "We're moving up North, near my parents, we don't know when, we’re still looking at properties.”

Dan could only sit there, stunned by Phil's revelation. “Do you know what, _fuck you Phil_ ,” Dan snarled through gritted teeth. “Get out of my room!”

Phil looked blankly at Dan, shocked by his outburst. “I SAID GET THE FUCK OUT!” He didn’t need to be told twice as he bolted out of the room. 

Dan’s rage quickly dissolved back into sadness, an all too familiar feeling for him. But the sadness soon turned into guilt. These series of emotions were part of the routine now, the anger, then the misery and last of all: regret. He knew that he had to do the same thing he did after every fight, go apologise to Phil and pretend that everything is alright.

But things weren't alright and Dan knew it. He also knew _why_. The fact that Phil was never around anymore slowly chipped away at their relationship. It was no more watching anime together in the morning or lazy days, _it was no more Dan and Phil_. No, it was now Robin and Phil. Everything was changing, except Dan wanted it all to stay the same.

Reluctantly, Dan sauntered over to Phil’s bedroom across the hall after hearing the muffled sobs being emitted from it. He peeked through the gap in the door so see Phil sitting on his bed with his knees held tightly to his chest, cheeks stained red from tears. It broke Dan’s heart to see Phil so upset, knowing that it was him that caused it. 

"You know, I can see you out there,” Phil chuckled softly, a weak smile appearing on his face.

Dan took that as his cue to enter, hesitantly opening the door. “Look I’m…” 

“No, I’m sorry,” Phil interrupted. “What I said earlier was a bit of a dick move and I apologise for it.”

Dan moved closer and perched on the edge of the bed, wanting to show that no damage was done. “It's my fault too, I shouldn't have reacted in the way I did.” 

Phil pulled Dan into a comforting hug, indicating that all was forgiven. They stayed like that for a moment, content in being in each other's company. Despite all the shit they had been through, they had done it all together and Dan found it hard to accept it wouldn't be like that for much longer. They were running on borrowed time with only a limited supply of days left.

~

Boxes and piles of belongings littered the apartment, the floor barely visible. Phil’s bedroom was stripped bare, not one trace of him left in it. A strange atmosphere was present the whole morning, knowing that Phil would be leaving the next day. After living together for five years, it felt as if it was the end of an era. 

To say that the fans didn't take the news of Phil moving out well would be an understatement, Dan swore that tumblr crashed for about an hour after it was announced. It had been expected, he understood what it was like to be wrapped up in he idea of him and Phil being in a romantic relationship. He understood the pain of having to let that concept go. But that's all it was, a concept.

The Sun set over their last day together, counting down the hours until Phil’s departure. They both found themselves together in the lounge, reminiscing about the past, which Dan thought was horrifically cheesy.

“Stop, stop,” Dan waved his hand in the air, interrupting one of Phil’s stories from 2010 about Manchester. “This is too soppy and soppy things are only allowed to be said with a bottle of wine.” That was only half the truth, the other half was that he needed the alcohol to numb his feelings.

Phil rolled his eyes, but agreed with Dan’s idea. Dan headed out to the kitchen to sort out the bottle of wine they were planning to save for a special occasion, which he decided it was. Grabbing two wine glasses from the cupboard, he made his way back to the living room.

After pouring both the glasses, Phil held his out in the air. “A toast, to us!” He put on an exaggerated posh accent, making Dan chuckle.

“Really Phil? Was that necessary, we aren’t that soppy!”

“Absolutely! And I’ll think you’ll find that we _are_ that soppy!”

It was Dan’s turn to roll his eyes, hoping that his jovial exterior would hide what he was really feeling inside.

Glass after glass of wine were poured, creating a more relaxed and carefree mood. The effects of the alcohol had truly kicked in for Dan and he could sense his verbal filter starting to disappear.

“Phhhhill, Phil…” Dan repeatedly poked Phil’s arm, trying to get his attention even though he already had it.

“Whaaat? I’m listening,” Phil seemed to be in his own drunken haze.

“We should do shots!” This would never be something Dan would suggest whilst sober, but would in an intoxicated state. Phil nodded his head, an excitable look on his face. 

After raiding the cupboards, Dan triumphantly produced a bottle of milk vodka and two shot glasses. Pouring the liquid however, came with its own problems. Too drunk to have any sort of coordination, most of the vodka spilt onto the table instead of being in the glasses. They both downed the shot, grimacing when the burning liquid ran down their throats.

“Why the fuck do we own milk vodka?” Dan held the bottle up accusingly. “It tastes like piss!”

“Wait…” Phil thought for a moment, resting a finger on his chin. “Didn't my mum give it to me?”

"Why would she do that?” Dan questioned, his voice raising a pitch.

“I don't fucking know!” They both burst into laughter, easily amused by the bizarre drink. A comfortable silence fell once the laughter died down until Dan interjected with a drunken comment.

“Hey, lets get this paartay started and play some music!”

"Daaan, this isn't even a party, its just two twenty something year olds getting drunk in their own home!”

“And that…is exactly why we need some.” Dan slurred, pointing his finger at Phil. He had already started to scroll through the music on his phone, finally deciding on a song.

“Is it still me that makes you sweat?” Dan sung in a deep operatic voice, clearly out of time with the music.

"Am I who you think about in bed?” Phil joined in and wiggled his eyebrows in a suggestive manner, making Dan giggle. 

They both lost track of the lyrics, before eventually joining back in with the song.

“I’ve got more wit, a better kiss, a hotter touch, a better FUCK.” The pair almost shouted along to the song, completely out of tune. But, they didn't care. They drunkenly swayed along on the sofa, having the time of their lives.

“Why…is…Brendon Urie…so…perfect, ugh!” Dan punctuated each word by tossing his head side to side.

“Honestly, if I ever had the chance to fuck anyone but with no consequences, it would be him!” Phil chugged down the last sips of his unknown number of wine. “Dan, Dan Dan, Daaaan,” Phil whined.

“I’m listening!”

“Ok, if you could fuck ANYBODY in the world, and it meant nothing, who would you chose.” Dan was about to speak before Phil interrupted him. “No, think _carefully_.”

The next words that came out of Dan’s mouth were fuelled by the alcohol, he would not dare utter them whilst in a more sober state. “To answer that question, I would definitely say…you.” He had no time to process what he had just said as the words kept tumbling out. “Like, you’re _really_ hot and by that, I don’t mean you’re just good looking, but HOLY SHIT I’M ABOUT TO FAINT FROM THIS MAN’S BEAUTY.” Dan had no idea what he was saying anymore, his sentences _didn’t make sense_ and half of what he said must have come from a tumblr post. “I would _so_ fuck you.”

Phil could only stare at Dan with wide eyes, dumbfounded. Not content with the amount he already unintentionally shared, Dan decided to carry on. “Like, I’m _so_ fucking jealous of Robin. He gets to fuck you whenever he wants and I bet you're _really_ good in bed.” The gap between the two grew ever smaller as Dan leaned closer into Phil. It was now no longer him talking, but the wine and milk vodka. “Ugh, your eyes are just so fucking majestic and beautiful, I just…”

Dan was unable to finish his rambling as it was cut off by Phil’s lips on his. He had no time to react or try and get a grasp on what was happening, his only instinct was to carry on. Even through his drunken haze, a small part of him told him that it wasn’t right, it shouldn’t be happening.

But he ignored it. The kiss grew deeper and more passionate as their bodies pressed closer together, a new sense of urgency realised. Hands were exploring any inch of flesh they could and limbs tangled into a mess of intimacy.

“Fuck, Dan…” Phil muttered onto Dan’s lips, momentarily breaking the kiss. “You’re…so…”

The illicit nature of the kiss made it all the more desirable, more intoxicating. Phil started to leave a trail of chaste kisses down Dan’s neck, making him moan with pleasure due to the amount of sensitivity in that area. Dan grabbed hold of Phil’s and started tugging it upwards. Phil took the hint and detached himself from Dan’s neck to lift it over his head, repeating the action with Dan’s shirt. Both landed in a pile in a random corner of the lounge.

“My bedroom?” Dan pulled apart momentarily to breathe out. Phil nodded in agreement.

Only stopping to reconnect their kiss, they stumbled their way to Dan’s bedroom. For Dan, the situation seemed far too similar to the first night Phil brought Robin home, except the roles had swapped. It was now him drunk out of his mind, soppily making out with Phil and not Robin. He almost felt a sense of achievement as he lay down, back first on his bed, knowing that it was happening. 

Twinges of guilt crept into Dan’s disorientated mind as more layers of clothing were removed, but he was too wrapped up in pleasure to notice. The feeling of bare skin on skin was electrifying with soft moans and groans filling the room. 

“Fuck…I love you…” The words tumbled out of Dan’s mouth as he reached closer to his climax, breathless and eyes shut. Phil was too blissed out to notice what Dan was saying.

With their highs reached and breathing starting to regulate, the pair lay peacefully together, drifting off to sleep. As Dan stared up at the ceiling, it suddenly dawned on him how this would only be a one off. This could never happen again, this wasn't his life. Phil would move out in the morning and live in a house miles away with Robin and _not him_. He took a quick glance over to Phil’s sleeping form next to him, one of his pale arms resting across Dan’s torso. He wanted this moment to last forever, but knew all too well that he would have to face the consequences. In the meanwhile, he forgot about what he would have to deal with and instead tried to enjoy this while it lasted.

~

Two thoughts came to Dan’s mind when he woke up; he was in desperate need of a shower and there was a person missing next to him in the bed. He was glad it was empty as it meant he could delay the inevitable conversation he would have to have with Phil. The amount of alcohol he drunk the night before meant he had a killer hangover, something he didn't want to have when he talks to Phil. 

The warm water that trickled down from the shower only managed to slightly comfort Dan, his mind was still racing with the events from the night before. He stood there for far too long, not wanting to have to deal with reality. 

After eventually leaving the shower and getting dressed, Dan headed to the kitchen where he heard Phil clattering around. He was hesitant to enter, but he knew it was a topic he couldn’t avoid.

“There’s nothing to say Dan.” Phil sternly said before Dan even made his presence known. He didn’t even bother making eye contact.

“Well as a matter of fact, I think there is…”

“ _There’s nothing to say_ ,” Phil interrupted, finally looking up at Dan. “We got drunk and made a mistake, that’s all.” Phil barged past Dan, who was standing in the doorway, and walked straight into the lounge. Dan followed behind him, still wanting answers.

“You can’t fucking leave it at that…”

“Well actually I can!” Phil turned his head and snapped, his icy cold stare boring into Dan.

"No! Are you just going to continue on with Robin like this never happened!”

“Yes I am actually! We fucked and it meant _nothing_ but you just can’t seem to grasp that!” The tension was increasing by the moment as they both refused to back down. “Get the fuck over it Dan!”

“Its like you don’t want to accept that it happened!” Dan scoffed, a slight sarcastic tone in his voice. “Well I have some news for you Phil, we had sex last night and it obviously meant something!” He strode towards Phil, the tiny height difference making him seem the smallest bit more intimidating.

“Stop living in a fucking fantasy land!” Phil said as he backed away from Dan, venom lacing his voice. “I’m leaving today and you just can’t deal with it, you always ignore your problems!” 

“I…”

“No!” Phil interrupted. “I’ve noticed how distant you’ve been lately, its blatantly obvious…”

“What that I’m in love with you?” Dan quickly clasped his hands over his mouth but it was too late. His eyes widen in shock in the realisation of what he had just said. 

The stony expression on Phil’s face softened at Dan’s admission. He edged towards Dan and reached out to comfort him, but Dan only moved closer to the door.

"Dan…”

“Seven years Phil, _seven fucking years_ ,” Dan said through gritted teeth whilst staring at the floor, he couldn’t dare look up at Phil. Before he could stop them, the tears were already rolling down his cheeks.

“Look, can we just…” Phil didn’t get a chance to finish his sentence as Dan had already bolted out of the room. He followed behind to attempt to talk to him.

Dan, however, no longer wanted to talk. He needed to get out of the apartment, to get away from Phil. Grabbing his jacket, wallet and phone, he rushed to the front door and hoped that Phil would leave him alone. He stomped down the stairs, not caring how childish or over dramatic he was being. But, to his avail, Phil had reached the bottom before him and was blocking Dan’s exit.

“Dan, look I’m sorry about earlier, just let us talk this through…”

“Get out of my way, let me leave!” Dan was fed up and couldn't deal with the situation anymore, he just had to go. He was now fully sobbing, unable to control his emotions.

Running out of options fast, he resorted to trying to shove Phil out of the way, but he was physically stronger than Dan and wouldn't budge. 

"Please, Phil…" Dan pleaded, the desperation clear in his voice. Phil only shook his head, refusing to move. 

It all happened too quickly, and before he had even released what was happening, Dan had brought his hand round Phil’s face and the sound of the contact echoed in the hallway. An ugly red mark stained Phil’s cheek as a sign of Dan's betrayal. Tears sprung to Phil’s eyes as the pain, both physical and emotional, set in. 

The silence that followed afterwards was all too loud and lasted for what seemed like hours as they could only stand there staring at each other, speechless. Dan couldn't believe what he had done, he had actually _slapped_ Phil, his best friend. The guilt washed over him as the realisation of his actions set in, Phil was in pain and crying, and it was _his_ fault. 

“Go,” Phil was the first to speak up, his voice eerily calm, making sure not to hold direct eye contact. “Just don't expect me to still be here when you get back.” The bitterness was audible as he stepped aside, finally allowing Dan’s freedom. 

“But…”

“Just leave!” Phil slammed his balled fist against the door, making Dan jump back slightly.

“Well, goodbye then…” A sob caught in Dan’s throat, choking up his last words to Phil. Leaning against the wall, Phil only grunted quietly in response, still not looking at Dan. 

With one last glance at Phil, Dan opened the door and headed out into the streets of London with no idea of where he was going. He felt drained, everything just crashing down on him. After wandering aimlessly around for a few hours, he made his way to the Starbucks off Oxford Street as he had got so caught up that he hadn't yet eaten that day. His rumbling stomach indicated that he needed to get some food.

The coffee shop hit too close to home for Dan as it was the one he visited frequently with Phil when they had actually left the apartment. As a natural reflex, Dan settled himself with a latte and sandwich in the sofas in the corner of the shop that he always did with Phil. It felt wrong though, to be there by himself, especially considering the recent events. 

Too many memories were held in that place and Dan couldn't take it anymore. He wanted to try and forget Phil, if only for a bit, but it was impossible. Thoughts of happier times flooded Dan’s mind, only worsening his mood. He decided he had had enough of sulking in the Starbucks and left his half eaten food to walk back out into the unknown.

The sky had faded to black by the time Dan returned home. The first thing he had noticed once he entered the apartment was that Phil had stuck to his promise, there was no sign of him. All the boxes were gone only leaving Dan’s possessions in the apartment. 

The day had been far too long and Dan desperately needed sleep so headed straight to bed. Once he was laying down and staring up at the ceiling, it was only truly then that he understood how alone he now was. It wasn’t like he could repair his relationship with Phil, the damage was permanent. He had crossed the line and their friendship was paying the consequences, all because of him.

 _Dan_ was the one who had started the argument.

 _Dan_ was the one who admitted his unrequited love.

_Dan was the one who assaulted his so called best friend and ruined everything._

And for that, he could never forgive himself. 

\---------- 

“So…” Eddie scratched his head thoughtfully. “Your friend Phil went away and that made you very sad. That’s very not complicated Daddy!” 

Dan sighed knowing that Eddie wouldn’t quite grasp the sugarcoated story he told, he was only a kid after all. 

“Wait! I understand!”

“Really?” Dan was doubtful that his four year old would work it all out.

"You said he went away…" 

Dan nodded slowly, trying to make it look like he was following.

“He went away to the same place Mummy went, didn’t he? I bet they talk to each other, don’t they!”

Dan took a sharp intake of breath, proceeding to frantically shake his head. “No, no, no! Phil only went away to a place called Manchester, not to Mummy!” 

“Oh, I hope this doesn’t mean she’s lonely then…”

Knowing the sensitive nature of this topic, Dan started to run his fingers through Eddie’s hair in a comforting manner. “Like I’ve told you before, Mummy isn’t lonely up there! She has the angels, Nana, Uncle Timothy…”

“And your dog Colin!”

“Yes! How can I forget Colin!” Dan added an overly cheerful laugh just to make sure that he hadn’t upset Eddie as it often happened when talking about his mum.

Anna, Eddie’s biological mother, had died through complications during childbirth. She and Dan had only been dating for a few months when she had fell pregnant by accident. However, Dan was over the moon and terribly excited by the thought of fatherhood. Life had been tough before he met Anna as with his Youtube career collapsing, but he thought he was heading in a new direction. 

Oh how he was wrong. After Anna’s death, Dan fell into a downwards spiral. He was now a single father with a child to support which was harder than he thought it would be. Instead of saving the money he earned through Youtube, he had spent it all on frivolous items in his younger years and was a decision he came to regret. 

Being a washed up Youtube star didn’t give him many career prospects so he turned to freelance journalism. The pay was poor and sporadic, but it was the best he could do for Eddie. 

At times, it was all too much. Having to care for Eddie and earn enough to put food on the table made it hard for Dan to cope. Alcohol became a too welcome escape for him and he slowly found himself becoming addicted to its numbing side effects. But, he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t hand his life over to its evil grasps. He managed to give it up, only for the sake of Eddie.

His son was the reason he got out of bed most mornings as Dan would otherwise just lay there for the rest of the day. Eddie was his reason to live and the thing keeping him alive.

“Why don’t you go get ready for bed and then I’ll come read you a story!” Eddie nodded his head enthusiastically, jumped off Dan’s lap and ran off to his bedroom.

With Eddie gone, Dan turned his attention back to the piece of paper sitting on his desk. He read through the words a one final time.

_To Daniel Howell_

_You are cordially invited to the wedding of Philip Michael Lester and Robin Andrew Kingston._

_RSVP to…_

At the bottom of the formally printed letter was two handwritten words added on.

_Please Dan_

With one last glance at the letter, Dan ripped it in half and threw it in the bin. And for that, he couldn’t be more satisfied.

**Author's Note:**

> IT'S THE SUMMER WHOOP WHOOP I'M FREE FOR SIX WEEEEEEKS. 
> 
> It feels like I haven't uploaded in ages so here's a fic that I'm actually quite happy about! Apologies for the 'smut' scene because I was too scared to write a real one so thats what I ended up with lol.
> 
> Find me on tumblr [@serenehowell](serenehowell.tumblr.com)


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